Harry Potter and the Elders of Zion

My friend Josef Joffe published a piece on the Middle East Strategy at Harvard forum last week. MESH is a virtual think tank, an arena in which the smartest minds work together and publicly discuss various topics, giving policy makers access to information and ways of interpreting situations that might otherwise be unavailable to them. The good thing about a virtual think tank is that you no longer need to invest in fancy buildings or big libraries. Everything is available online nowadays, and most people prefer to write from home.

When Joe told me about the subject I had to laugh. It sounded so bat-shit crazy that it had to be true. In a nutshell, the Iranians have produced a film in which they explain that the Harry Potter series is a Ziono-Hollywoodist Conspiracy.

I didn’t make up that phrase, they did.

So, here’s the video, followed by Joe’s article.

It was high time that anti-Semitism would find something hipper than those dusty Protocols of the Elders of Zion, concocted sometime between 1895 and 1902 by Russian journalist Matvei Golovinski and then used by the pro-Tsarists to discredit reforms in Russia as a Jewish plot. Egyptian and Syrian state media have turned the Protocols into television series, trying to modernize the plot and bringing it forward into the 20th century.

Iranian TV has beaten them hands down with “Harry Potter and the Ziono-Hollywoodist Conspiracy.” (If you cannot view the clip embedded above, click here.) J.K. Rowling, that English (and no doubt, fully Aryan) rose, as avatar of the globe-encircling Jewish kraken? Yes, though the evidence is a bit disjointed as the clip unfolds on YouTube. The basic visual argument is hardly as compelling as the original Protocols which, after all, have real-life Jews who have real faces and names, working out complicated plans to conquer the world and pollute the race. You only get Harry and his buddies and professors flitting in and out of the picture while the voice-over proclaims a story line that actually has nothing to do with Messrs. Voldemort and Dumbledore.

It is “Witchcraft and Brainwashing” that spreads the “evil essence of Zionism.” This is how the logic apparently works: Since Harry Potter movies are all about W ‘n’ B, they are a Zionist tool. Along with “devil worship,” W ‘n’ B will corrupt “innocent children and youth” around the world. Why is this a Zionist tool? Because witchcraft was invented by the “rabbis of ancient Egypt.” Now we get a few seconds from the Order of the Phoenix even though it does not contain witchcraft-mongering rabbis. But wait. Aren’t those longbearded faculty at Hogwarts kind of Jewish-looking? Didn’t we see Jewish symbols in every Harry Potter movie? I swear, the kids were playing with dreidels in The Philosopher’s Stone. And when they assembled for a meal in The Order of the Phoenix, they were actually celebrating Passover. You thought the matzohs were crackers, eh? Whenever the kids joust and fight, they are actually preparing for the Last Battle that will do in or enslave all the Muslims.

As we hop along this warped path of Iranian TV logic, we also learn that the world faces a “cultural crusaders’ war” that is more powerful than any military assault the West has engineered in, say, Afghanistan and Iraq. How will the Jews attain world domination? By hastening Armageddon, the “End of Days,” which will deliver a kind of Jewish endsieg, the Nazi term for “final victory.”

What does this have to do with Harry Potter? Well, because in the next volume, Iranian TV intones, he finally wants to face down Voldemort. That will be the mother of all battles, to coin a phrase—a secret metaphor (and call to arms) for Armageddon.

Personally, I find this insulting to the Jews. Previously, the Iranian propaganda line painted the “Little Satan” as mighty regional superpower. Now, this TV clip puts down Israel/Jewry as a bunch of losers who no longer have the will and wherewithal to subjugate the Muslims directly and by force of arms. Now, they have to rely on a bunch of kids—on Harry and Hermione—to execute their evil designs.

What has the Jewish Conspiracy come to? This member in good standing feels so dissed that I will enroll in Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry in the fall to learn how to turn Mr. Ahmadinejad into a toad.

Too funny. What Joe seems to have forgotten is America’s Christian Right assertion that Harry Potter was un-Christian because it promoted witchcraft. Maybe we can round up all the religious crackpots, and herd them into a movie theater – my grandfather used to own some… wait, he was probably part of the conspiracy!

OMG, I’m gonna grow up and be and Elder of Zion…

3 comments

  1. bowleserised said:
    2009/03/13
    12:48

    “But wait. Aren’t those longbearded faculty at Hogwarts kind of Jewish-looking? ”

    I can’t wait till this particular school of thought eats itself when someone points out that another funny old dude with a beard and a silly hat might be Jewish…

  2. Count Bernadotte said:
    2009/03/17
    00:55

    To be Jewish is an awesome gift, for you get to rant about skydaddy and his instructions on what to do with goyim, such as those found in deuteronomy.

    Racial purity legilsation is just another bonus.

    Religion is, of course, the best way to describe the universe and to justify the daily blood sacrifice of Arabs and other “goyim”

    The concept of “goyim” and “chosen ones” in Jewish culture should not be subject to discussion or even a passing thought.

    Religion is always beautiful and can not be subject to criticism from rational folks.

    Keep up the good work!

  3. lettersfromberlin said:
    2009/03/17
    07:28

    I have no idea what Count Bernadotte is talking about, and whether it is meant tongue-in-check or pure looney toons. Thought I’d approve the comment anyway so others can figure it out…

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